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Black Water (2007)

Black Water

Director:
David Nerlich, Andrew Traucki

Starring:
Diana Glenn, Maeve Dermody, Andy Rodoreda, Ben Oxenbould, Fiona Press

Other notable appearances:
Real crocodiles in place of CGI ones

Running time:
90 minutes of your life that you will never be able to reclaim

 

Grace (Glenn), Lee (Dermody) and Adam (Rodoreda) are on vacation in the Northern Territory. They decide to go on a boat tour with guide Jim (Oxenbould). When a giant crocodile knocks over their boat and eats their guide, it’s up to the trio to find a way out before they become the main meal.

There are two versions of the cover for Black Water the first states the film is ‘based on true events’ — this is also the disclaimer at the beginning of the film. The second cover states the film is ‘inspired by true events’ — this is closer to the truth.

I must admit, dear reader, I was hesitant to review this movie because it felt disrespectful to those represented in the film. However, I went to research this claim and found that the story was ‘inspired or based on a true story in the sense that there were some people that were stuck up a tree and menaced by a crocodile and that’s where that idea came from’.

So … not really based on true events at all. If that means this movie is based on true events, then the latest Cinderella is based on true events because I wore a blue dress to my high school formal.

The three characters were given such bad dialogue and portrayed so poorly that I was rooting for the croc. The survival instincts were non-existent. The characters changed dramatically in core personality from one moment to the next. I reverted to my usual stance of wishing they would all be eaten by something. As the crocodile was a lot closer than any of The Walking Dead zombies, I settled for that.

The suspense was non-existent. I’m not sure if this is because I watch too many natural horror movies, because I didn’t care about the characters or because most of the film was spent with close-ups of the water as filler. Regardless of why, the scares were just not present.

If a natural horror movie isn’t going to be scary, it should be funny. Unfortunately, Black Water takes itself too seriously to achieve this aspect either.

I have no doubt that the people who were really stuck up a tree and ‘menaced by a crocodile’ were terrified. To not be terrified in that situation would be highly illogical. Unfortunately the tale just doesn’t translate well to film. It is not informative, entertaining or suspenseful. If you want to watch a crocodile movie, watch Lake Placid instead.

Rating: 1/5

Film: ‘I’ll be right back. Okay?’
Me: ‘Someone didn’t watch Scream.’

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